AMERICA'S 25 DOUCHIEST COLLEGES

Home of: The Blue-Blazer Douche
Affectations: The side part; the insistence on referring to your school as "the University," our third president as "Mr. Jefferson," the quad as "the lawn," and the Civil War as the "War Between the States."
Overheard in the bleachers: "Well, at least our football players actually go to class and—hey, Dylan, this mint julep is outstanding."
In ten years, will be: A member of an exclusive country club. Maybe a philandering public official. Not unlikely a lobbyist for a tobacco company. Possibly all three.
Honorable-mention blue-blazer institutions: Duke, William & Mary, Johns Hopkins, Vanderbilt, Sewanee.


Home of: The Burnt-Orange Douche
Definitely douchey, but we're not totally sure why.


Home of: The quote-unquote College Douche
A peek inside: Known as "the country club of higher education." Or "where Waspy dudes from Roanoke gather to text each other during class."
Affectation: Classes.
In ten years, will be: Plotting the fake murder of your father with the pilot of his private plane, splitting the insurance money, and later being arrested on a fan boat in the Everglades.


Home of: The Womyn Douche
Most popular major: Listening to Regina Spektor with your girlfriend, who you kind of suspect is a lesbian.
Affectations: Comfy Thai meditation pants in gold and puce; pretending not to be that horny; needlepointing the first sentence of Maxine Hong Kingston's The Woman Warrior for lesbian girlfriend.
Favorite pickup technique: Expounding on Spiral Jetty's debt to pre-Columbian cultures.
Well-known male alumni: Not applicable.


Exeter with a 9-Iron but My Dad Got Me in Here" Douche
Overheard at freshman orientation: "It's just like boarding school, except all the nerds are at Yale!"
Typical Saturday evening: Squash match, followed by elephant walk.


Home of: The Fonzworth Bentley Douche
A peek inside: Is it possible to be in the International Leadership Program while also being president of Alpha Phi Alpha while also getting all militant about the white power structure while also promoting a biweekly hip-hop showcase? Yes? Then you're just barely keeping up with the status quo at Morehouse—good luck getting into Yale Law!
Affectations: Yellow V-neck sweater with orange-and-blue bow tie; box-seat double date to Coldplay show at Philips Arena.
Most likely to: Be a lawyer by day, black socialite by night.


Home of: The Excessive-School-Pride Douche
Affectations: Dressing for class each morning as if you were the offensive-line coach; writing prison letters to Maurice Clarett.
Overheard at Buckeye career-building workshop: "You can put 'Won a national championship' on a résumé, right?"
Most likely to: Suffocate a hapless Boilermakers fan with a giant foam Number One after offhand comment about how the marching band's "Script Ohio" wasn't all that impressive.
Honorable-mention excessive-school-pride institutions: Duke, Michigan, Texas, Penn State, Yeshiva University.


Home of: The Future Marketing Executives of America Douche
Most likely to: Major in communications and take it seriously.
Overheard at the "Winning in a Down Time: How to Brand Yourself" seminar aftermingle: "CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!"
Thesis topic: "Those Axe Ads: Totally Funny, Bro."


Home of: The Paul Wolfowitz Douche
Affectations: Horn-rimmed glasses; pipe; well-thumbed copy of The Antitrust Paradox; precocious ideas of mankind as brutish and disgusting.
Core belief: War is good (as long as you don't have to fight in it).
Postcollege career: Talking down to those unlucky enough never to have studied at the feet of Richard Posner; slowly chipping away at the Voting Rights Act.


Home of: The Giant-Sunglasses Douche
Affectations: Audi Q7 (high school graduation present); tertiary connection to Olsen twin; frosted tips.
Thesis topic: "Steven Spielberg's Gremlins and the Art of the Impossible."
Ten years from now, will be: Living in Laurel Canyon while "producing" a bio-pic on Karch Kiraly and burning endless pounds of the kush.
Honorable-mention crazily expensive institutions: Duke, Tulane, Bennington, Hamilton.


Home of: The moral Douche
Favorite pickup line: "You know, I thought about the seminary, but then I decided it wasn't for me. If you know what I mean."
Douchey alumni: Condoleezza Rice, James Baker, Regis Philbin, Steve Bartman.
Profiles in Studentia: Gerry McDougal,* Chicago. "I was looking for a place that would challenge me academically, but I also wanted to feel bad about masturbating. At Notre Dame, I got both."
*There is no Gerry McDougal.


Home of: The "Show Us Your Tits!" Douche
Most likely to: Inadvertently find an Internet picture of that girl from your Robert Ludlum seminar, sunburned and topless while vomiting a melon-ball shooter through her nose.
Favorite pickup line: "I like your boobs."
Profiles in studentia: Roger McFeelings,* Cincinnati. "I had such an awesome time in Cancún. I got really fucking tan, the girls were hot, and the Ecstasy was almost pure. I was like, I wish Cancún was a college! Then I realized, it is!"
Honorable-mention "show us your tits!" institutions: Duke, any state school in Florida or Arizona, U. of Delaware, Dartmouth.
*We only wish there were someone named Roger McFeelings.


Home of: The Ducks-Unlimited DoHome of: The Ducks-Unlimited DoucheAffectation: Fully loaded black Chevy Tahoe with fishing boat lashed to top and backseat full of Realtree camo hunting gear.Prized possession: White bulldog with notarized papers proving a bloodline to Uga IV.Overheard at Gator Haters: "What happened to duck hunting this morning, boy?" "Fuck, man! We were gonna go, but we raged downtown last night, then went to a late-night, and when I got home to pass out, my wake-up alarm was already going off." "Fuck!"uche
Affectation: Fully loaded black Chevy Tahoe with fishing boat lashed to top and backseat full of Realtree camo hunting gear.
Prized possession: White bulldog with notarized papers proving a bloodline to Uga IV.
Overheard at Gator Haters: "What happened to duck hunting this morning, boy?" "Fuck, man! We were gonna go, but we raged downtown last night, then went to a late-night, and when I got home to pass out, my wake-up alarm was already going off." "Fuck!"


Home of: The Online Douche
Affectations: Futon in mom's basement; agoraphobia.
In ten years, will be: Sending e-mails that say, "Hello Dear Friend, I am Dr. Martin from Congo and I must trust you to be the recipient of $4mil dollarz US currencee."
Alumni: Shaquille O'Neal, Lisa Leslie, George W. Bush.


Home of: The "Yeah, I Did That When I Was 17" Douche
Affectations: White Wayfarers; vintage New York Dolls T-shirt; high-concept hat; complaining about how New York City is so gentrified now.
In ten years, will be: Still talking about how you did that when you were 17.


Home of: The Kind-Bud Douche
Affectations: Prius; $400 Telemark skis you're not sure what to do with; bong made from recycled Nalgene bottles; white-guy dreads.
Profiles in studentia: Corey Loggins,* Madison, Wisconsin. "I like cookies. And Cheetos. God, Cheetos are good. Have you ever had a Coke slushie? Hey, have you ever stared at the sun and then closed your eyes and then see all those weird blue rainbows? Man, these mountains are beautiful. Trees scare me. Hey, who are you?"
*Yeah, okay, there's no one named Corey Loggins.
Ten years from now, will be: A junior.
Honorable-mention kind-bud institutions: Duke, University of Vermont, all schools surrounded by forests with furry goblins in them.


Home of: The Snow-Machine Douche
Affectations: .30-06 with a variable scope; large testicles; free levi sticker on bumper of Dodge Ram dually.
In ten years, will be: Governor of Alaska.


Home of: The Jet Ski douche
Affectations: Forty-six-foot cigarette boat; Bahamian bank account; unlit cigarillo.
Overheard at Sunday brunch: "Let's blow off class tomorrow and hit some jai alai. I've got Dad's gold card, esse!"



Home of: The "I Went to a Small liberal-arts College in Massachusetts" Douche
Affectations: Quiet sense of superiority; intense desire to be surrounded by 1,700 people almost exactly like you; Choate soccer jacket.
In ten years, will be: Smart policy guy at State Department that no one listens to.
Douchey mascot: Lord Jeffrey Amherst.
Problem with douchey mascot: Distributed smallpox-infested blankets to Native Americans.


Home of: The "not even College Republicans at Other Schools will Talk to You" Douche
Affectations: White robe; hair shirt; Library of Congress–size porn stash.
Ten years from now, will be: Forming your own branch of the Ted Haggard sexuality-reprogramming ministry.


Home of: The "I Went to a School So Exclusive, Only Six People Know About It and Half of Them Are So Smart They're Clinically Insane" Douche
Affectations: Castrating horses; translating Latin; vows of silence.
A peek inside: The campus is a ranch and alfalfa farm near Death Valley, each class has no more than fifteen men, and students spend their time reading Infinite Jest, Remembrance of Things Past, and a little volume by the college's founder (called The Gray Book) that's all about hearing the "Voice of the Desert."
Douchey founder: Lucien Lucius Nunn, who moved the college to the middle of nowhere in California in 1917.
Problem with douchey founder: Some people thought he was a little too interested in the young students


Home of: The Harvard Douche
In ten years, will be: A Harvard douche.
Douches emeriti: Benazir Bhutto, Lou Dobbs, John Quincy Adams, Mira Sorvino.


Home of: The Eating-Club Douche
Affectations: They invented affectations!
A peek inside: Most Ivy Leaguers try (unconvincingly) not to mention which college they went to. Not at Princeton.
In ten years, will be: Our boss.
Favorite pickup lines: "Hey, didn't I see you at the Cap & Gown Club?" "Hi. My father invaded Cuba."
How to get in: "There is no formula for what makes the best Princeton student. In one year, we may be looking for that talented oboist* to fill out the woodwind section of the orchestra, while another year we may be focused on finding a well-rounded field-hockey player."—cass cliatt, director of media relations
*Seriously, what is it about elite universities and the oboe?
Honorable-mention eating-club institutions: A basketball school in Durham, a university in New Haven, a college in Cambridge.


Home of: The O.D. (Original Douche)
Affectations: Pressed oxford; Goldman Sachs summer-internship tote; always ending the party by taking your shirt off and wrestling a guy named Schmitty.
A peek inside: They're probably number one. But we'd rather not rank Duke number one at anything.
In ten years, will be: Still trying to re-create the golden age of banking while wearing driving mocs and no socks.


Home of: The "Peace Sign on My Mom's 7 Series" Douche
Affectations: A belief that grades, majors, and course requirements are just another form of cultural hegemony; using the word hegemony.
In ten years, will be: Living with your family in an old house that you quit your job to refurbish yourself (by overseeing a contractor) with painstaking historical accuracy in a formerly decaying section of the city that's recently been reclaimed by a small population of white guys in hand-painted T-shirts who are helping you put together a health care fund-raiser for MoveOn.org.
Douchiest course offering: English 200: On Vampires and Violent Vixens: Making the Monster Through Discourses of Gender and Sexuality.
Honorable-mention limousine-liberal institutions: Duke, Reed, Oberlin, Wesleyan, Bard, RISD.